today – we are writing at the pasadena bridge, where the NOT ON MY WATCH event is going on until saturday.
we are with Veterans Rick, Terre, Ramon, Adam, and myself – with our writing coach Leilani
we decided on the prompt of:
do we really understand just what it really is
i have had several people telling me
that is so selfish, what about everyone else who loves you
what about your family and friends!
it is hard to tell people who know nothing about being so devastated
just what it is, what it is like, how the mind works and does not work in that state of crisis
how that the crisis is not just a moment
how it is an inception of trauma
of many traumas
how it has been blocked out for years
how it has been brought up – and back to the surface of the eyes that behold it once again
over and over and over again
how different things are the reminders of what never will be again
how very different you have changed, and wished you could go back
many people have told me – you would be so selfish for taking your life
i have responded in my best understanding to them several times, to this question, this statement, this false belief that they have, this selfish on their part of not understanding, and maybe not having the capacity to take the time to try to understand just exactly what it is that is suicide, that is suicide ideation
i don’t want people to relate, not the way i do, i don’t want people to feel the depths of depression, to have the onset – several symptoms of the PTSD, i don’t want people to have to go through trauma, or any disruptive experience that would take them from the fullness of life, not in general – there are many people who don’t deserve such hardship in their lives – less arguably, those who are the bullies, those who do commit the actual crimes against other people, those who are hateful and do hateful things, they likely have what they dish out to come back to them – it would be their karma.
but in general
i tell them, i relate, sometimes they know my yearning to go, sometimes my open conversation, and fascination with the fact of having no more pain to deal with – it makes them say the inane. so when they say that about a person successful in ridding themselves of the pain, when they say that of someone who wants to leave pain behind, i tell them that they don’t understand
they don’t understand that someone in that much pain hasn’t the capacity to think about anything else, they are consumed by the hopelessness, the helplessness of no solution, no answer, no good way out of the hurt, the pain. just like when we call the VA – where there is a voice – a robot or a human voice saying, if you are suicidal, please hang up and call … U know the 10 digit phone # that nobody who is that far in distress could hang up and call.
they still can’t hear me, but to be able to understand just the basics of the way that suicidal ideation comes about, then people would know, if they really want to reach someone, they would be better off to understand the person, to listen, observe, to be practical, to open with, would U like a healthy sandwich on wholegrain bread with salad and juice or fruit? i would love to contribute to your health, you are important – you don’t even have to know the problem, if you see some of the symptoms, sometimes to just know somebody gives a damned is enough to help for that moment.
i know, some are not interested at all in helping, they just want the uncomfortable feelings of another person’s uncomfortable feeling with life to just go real far away. trust me, we who feel this feeling of not wanting to be here, wether it is frequent or if it is less frequent, there are at least sometimes that we too… we want this feeling of not wanting to live to go away
we want to find a way to live, we want to find a way to be normal again, and by normal again, we don’t mean it in the context of what is normal anyway, we mean it in the way where we can feel that we fit in, that we have worth and value, and not because somebody said so, but because it is apparent. we wish to contribute again, but we are constantly feeling like nothing we do will be a significant enough contribution, and how can it be when there is what we seen, what we had to do as our job, our M.O.S. what happened because of our service in this or that country. and what happened to us after we served, and …
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well, suicide bridge, we would love to forget you, but you are a beautiful reality
today, this week, you are hope – while we partake in not on my watch – suicide bridge.